A Conversation with the Universe

It was during a recent hunting trip that I decided to have another journey. My desire and curiosity for the experience has been fading for the most part, but I was looking forward to another experience as long as the timing was good.

I have mostly forgone any real preparations or intention setting anymore. It either feels right or it doesn’t, and creating some ceremony or overstated point of it doesn’t really change anything if you yourself are not in the right mood.

This time in particular felt right. We have already spent hours up to this point scouting and glassing for animal movements. While sitting and just watching nature move around us, I felt a lot of appreciation for the solitude, the quietness, and the ability of the animals to just be part of their surroundings and communicate more through movement than by noise. I felt in that moment that it’s hard for a human, especially in modern life, to be more present than we are right now. That’s when I knew the time was right.

So, I found a comfortable position on the hillside in the grass. Spent only a minute or two emptying my mind, and started in. I didn’t count how many hits I took, four, maybe five.

As soon as reality and my vision began to distort, I took another hit. The tree that stood in front of me became a tall, bearded man, he looked like a wizard, and he was there to greet me, but that last hit blasted me right past him. It felt like I was traveling across different levels of consciousness or realities at light speed. I was moving far to fast to stay and chat. (I've had a few interactions with trees in my journeys. They are always nice and have a great sense of humor).
As I’m witnessing these different levels of consciousness move past me was like looking at a flip book or a deck of cards being shuffled. And in that moment I had this thought that maybe someone with more control or a very calculated dose could probably target a certain level of consciousness to communicate within, but essentially I’m just playing roulette and the dmt is like a giant slingshot - the more hits i take, the tighter I’m pulled back before liftoff.

I blast right by these 'realities' and through the typical kaleidoscope of spinning colors and geometric patterns. Then everything slows down. The spinning kaleidoscope dissolved and became this infinite web of light and colors. It was everywhere around me. But it itself was conscious, and everywhere I looked it was looking back at me. Before I could even process a thought, this 'thing' already knew what I was going to say before I did. It explained to me that "He" was the energy that makes up everything, he dictates the universe. But not in a purposeful way, he just is what he is without emotion. As I'm having this conversation, I am looking around me at the different eyes and faces that are looking back at me. They are infinite, but as I’m told they are still only one. One consciousness, one purpose. I started to imagine if the faces and eyes were infinite, then I should be able to see an infinite number or combination of different eyes for example. No sooner did I think of a certain shape of eye, did all of the eyes around me change shape to match my thoughts. He explained that although his energy dictates the universe, he's only a reflection. And he allowed me to sort of play with that for a moment as I imagined different things and watched the universe respond. Occasionally a dark thought would enter, and the universe would take shape in response. He explained to me that he understands the negative aspects of human life just as he does positive. His purpose, which as I understand, is a set of rules governing our existence, but also to be a mirror in which we can perceive our own experience, and He/it can be manipulated through our interaction. While he can extinguish evil or favor the good, according to him that's really just a matter of perspective and would make the human experience incomplete. He wanted to make sure I understood that our human pain and suffering is irrelevant to him, just as happiness or joy. To him they are just different frequencies in which we experience life - it's not that he doesn't like us, he just doesn't care in the grand scheme of things. His purpose is not to care, but to simply be the space in which our experience exists. He is conscious like you and I, but only because we are an extension of ourselves and each other. He doesn't have emotion, he just is. Essentially, he reflects the landscape, and we must navigate it. There is no favoritism. The human experience is all about perspective and contrast, and everything is defined by its opposite. Material desires and emotions ultimately don’t matter to the universe.
At this point I could feel the trip fading. We ended our conversation with a very simple and cliché message. One that I have received multiple times. The world is what you make it; it's a reflection of you.
But also, nothing really matters in the end. Not in a nihilistic sense, but just that the material world is so temporary, and there's so much to learn and feel without getting caught up in the day-to-day distractions; and I think ultimately that is the point, which is to gain wisdom from every experience, embrace it, and to find what is truly the reward in life despite the distraction that is daily survival and a universe  that is impartial to your joy and suffering. Like playing a game within a game.

Demon Face

In a previous vision (which I have not yet written about) I was shown the place I will go to when I die. I was essentially told that nothing matters in this life because regardless of what happens now, this is where I will go. It was a beautiful lush green valley, and a very familiar looking tree (I was also a tree in a previous vision). I’ve held onto that image ever since I experienced it, and to be honest I often look forward to spending time there.

Fast forward to my most recent experience. It began with the giant face of a demon. The face was more like a neon outlined illustration rather than something lifelike. It felt ominous. I knew this was going to be a difficult message as soon as it began. The demon opened his mouth very wide, and I could see multiple rows of jagged sharp teeth. He paused for a moment as if I was given an option to proceed with the experience. I didn’t hesitate. I’m here with an open mind, and good or bad I have yet to receive bad advice or something that I can’t reflect on in a positive way. Regardless, I couldn’t shake the negativity I was feeling, but I knew it was my own state of mind. My last thought as I squared up to the demon’s face was, ‘please just help me’. As soon as I chose to proceed, I could see something begin to appear in the back of this demon’s throat. It was my green valley, and laying in my green valley was a lifeless body. A dead man. I was instructed that if I wanted to get to the green valley, I must pass through the demon’s mouth. With every intention to enter and pass another row of teeth, the dead body at the other end is further chewed up and less recognizable. Before I could reach the end, the demon’s face and the dead body disappeared. All that was left was an overflowing glass of blood. The blood was bubbling over and flooding out of the glass, until the glass broke and was lost in the waves of blood. Then, the blood was gone and there was nothing remaining.

My vision continued as I was shown nothing. Just black emptiness. It lingered as if someone was trying to make a point.

My immediate interpretation was that I am not doing what I need to do to deserve that green valley ending. The message was ‘get your shit together’. My intention before this trip was about the enormous amount of stress and anxiety I have been feeling. It’s crippling at times, and it affects everything in my life. It’s something I have struggled with for years, and it swings hard sometimes.

So, my cry for help was answered. I was being told to just suck it up or I’m not going to make it. But as I am writing this and still reflecting on the experience, I’m thinking I may have gotten it all wrong. I have noticed since the trip I have felt better. Despite the overall negative theme, the weight is less, my head is clear.

I am now considering the possibility that the dead man I saw was me, but it was a weaker version of myself. Maybe the help I received was the symbolic death of my weak state of mind.

It's a Short Ride

I was going on a two-day scout and hunt with my cousin. The area we were hunting was in the mountains where we’ve spent a lot of time in the last couple of years. We spent the afternoon of the first day scouting and exploring some hunting locations. The sun had started to go down, so we made our way back to camp. After some meal prepping and getting some gear ready for tomorrow’s hunt, we got a fire going. Sitting by a campfire in the mountains might be one of the most relaxing things you can do. I think it strikes at the core of our DNA, it’s something we as a species has done to create warmth food and security for thousands of years. A campfire in the wilderness almost seems ceremonial to me, like it’s a requirement for being there. We finished eating our dinner and spent a few moments admiring the stars. What better time to blast off than right now. Brandon went first and had a deep mind melting experience.

I went next. My thoughts, or intention, going in was just about me being in my own way. I tend to stress about it, and it only makes things harder for myself.

I took as many hits as I thought was enough, plus one more, then laid back. The flicker of the fire played into the color kaleidoscope I saw. The kaleidoscope became a leaf filled tunnel as it rotated. It looked like something from the Shire (Lord of the rings). A nice looking man came to me. He welcomed me and led me out of the tunnel. The location of my vision was in the very same mountains we were hunting and camping in, except it was daytime. The man I was with was instructing me on riding a beam of light that traveled around the mountains. He said it moves very fast, so I had to grab on just right – Almost like you’re trying to grab onto a moving train. I was able to get on this beam of light first try, and we traveled around the mountains. There were a few other passengers that did not seem significant to me, it was just that I noticed their presence. On a couple of occasions, the beam of light would make a hard turn, and all of the passengers would have to help steer it.

At that time my cousin had fanned the flames of our campfire, and the light and warmth played into my vision. The guy operating the beam of light, sort of like a train engineer, turned to look at me when the flames got bright. He reached up to put his sunglasses on and said with excitement “Oh Yeah!”

That’s when the beam of light accelerated hard to an insane speed. Watching the mountains pass by was like watching a movie fast forward.

The beam of light returned to where I had originally got on. The nice man I was with said to me “It’s a short ride, enjoy it.” And with that my experience was over.

I had a second experience the following day while we were laying on the hill above a meadow. I wasn’t even sure I was going to do it a second time, so I hadn’t set much of an intention. Mostly, was just appreciating how rare that moment is, to be able to climb up a mountain and just lay in the grass to enjoy the view. With that thought, I knew what my intention was, just to appreciate that moment.

I again like previous times, wanted to keep my eyes open longer. I was 3 or 4 hits in before the world around me began to distort and my ears started to ring. I knew that was the right time for one more hit, then I laid back and closed my eyes.

I was immediately confronted by the large leafy face of an old lady. She looked just like the images I’ve seen of the Celtic Green Man. She announced, “He’s here!”. Other leaf-people came into view and were looking at me. Everyone was excited to see me, they kept announcing it to each other. A smallish, bug shaped leaf lady flew into view. She was a cute old lady. She looked at me and said, “I bet I can make you laugh”. Then, she raised up her little bug arm, that looked like a twig, and she started waiving it at me. It was a simple gesture, but I couldn’t help but laugh. She said, “I knew you would laugh”, then flew away.

The other leaf people there turned to me and asked if I would mind, they just sat and enjoy the view with me. I said I
didn’t mind, so they turned to look away. I spent the next few moments just being there with them as I drifted back to reality.

Both visions were very relevant to what I was doing at that moment. The overall message I got was to just keep enjoying the moment. With the first vision, I feel like the message was more about not stressing things so much. That life is short, don’t waste it worrying about everything. I’m not sure it was the message I wanted, but it never is. Sometimes the answer is just not as complicated as the problem seems.

Purple Man and The Source of Infinite Love

 I found myself floating through space. It was stormy. The wind was blowing very hard, and clouds were swirling all over. I felt lost. In hindsight I’m not sure how the wind was blowing in space, but there’s a lot about DMT visuals that don’t make much sense.

A purple-colored man quickly appeared before me. He looked strong, had long flowing black hair, and was holding some sort of spear or a staff. He had a very heroic presence. The way in which he appeared was like he was in a hurry, but he had to stop as soon as he saw me. He said to me “Come with me, I will show you the source of infinite love.” I waited for him to lead me somewhere or show me something. Nothing happened.

Suddenly I was pulled away from this vision. I was confronted by two clowns, a man and a woman. They looked like, for a lack of a better term, Juggalos. The room I was in looked like something from a Super Mario video game. The Juggalos took turns getting in my face, mocking me, and kept saying “You don’t get it!”

I kept trying to look past this vision, but they kept pulling me back. The Juggalos were leading me around the room. It was still Super Mario themed, but I got the sensation it was more like a museum.

Still mocking me at every chance they had, we were traveling around this room looking for a piece of art. It seemed like this museum was empty until finally we found something on display.

The art on display represented all of my mistakes.

Still mocking me and repeating “You don’t get it!”. They kept circling around the display making gestures and behaving as if the art was overvalued and not worthy of being on display.

At this point I could feel the trip begin to fade. As I was drifting away, the male Juggalo turned around to moon me, but then squished his ass right up against me and said, “See you next time, enjoy that”.

They laughed at me as the vision ended. 

I’m really intrigued by the Purple Man. The more I think about that interaction, the more I realize the infinite love I was to be shown was not an object or a physical thing to behold. Infinite love comes from within yourself. I think maybe it was a test, and I had failed as I waited to be shown love instead of understanding that it was within me. And the Juggalos were there for the tough love lesson with plenty of mockery. I feel like there could be more to interpret regarding my mistakes as an art display. My initial thoughts on that imagery are maybe that I project upon myself the guilt of my own mistakes, and through that guilt or fear of making mistakes, I’m subconsciously setting traps for myself and being caught in a repeating cycle.

If the fear of making a mistake is your only guide to life, all you will see is mistakes and potential for further mistakes.

What Does a DMT Trip Feel Like

I often find myself trying to explain to others what a DMT trip is like. When I catch myself mid-sentence, I feel like I sound like a crazy person. It seems impossible to put into words that would be even remotely accurate or fully encompass what is happening. But here’s my best attempt:

Let me begin by being blunt and saying DMT is not for the casual trip experience. DMT, in my opinion, is more of a sacred doorway. It must be used in the appropriate setting. If you’re looking for something to liven up the party, go somewhere else. Don’t get me wrong, it’s enjoyable for its own reasons, but it’s best experienced on a more wholesome level, in a quiet setting with very few people or distractions.

First you have to understand there is a physical experience and what I believe is a spiritual experience. They are separate, but also happening simultaneously. Depending on your method of smoke, vape, or whatever suits you best, you’re looking at a physical experience that is several minutes long and upwards to 20 or 30 minutes if you’re lucky. The length of spiritual experience is going to rely on you and how focused or distracted you are. Your ability to understand and interpret it is all on you, but it helps to have someone available to talk too and reflect with. Not all experiences are the same, and sometimes the message doesn’t hit you until days or weeks later when you have the ‘aha’ moment while doing something completely unrelated. Most of all, be honest with yourself.

The physical part of the experience, I feel, is the barrier which most new people can’t breach without a little practice or coaching. If you’ve used psychedelics in the past, try to imagine all the waves of emotion, energy, and euphoria that you might feel over the course of a few hours and then condense it down to about a minute. I have compared it to the sudden big downhill of a roller coaster, and the sensation of almost passing out. It’s almost like a bit of an ego check before you’re allowed to proceed further. This I assure you is a normal part of the process.

You will be at the cusp of an experience, one or two hits away, when you feel the body load start to set in. The scared ego voice in your head will start to walk you back from the commitment and you will start to think you’ve already done too much. The voice in your head is telling you to wait and see how it feels before taking more. You might think you have forgotten how to breathe. It comes on fast; one second you’re questioning if it’s even working, the next second it’s hitting you all at once. My advice at this point: The experience flows like a river- You can’t fight the current and swim against it, let the current take you. This is the moment to forget any hesitation you have, and while you’re still physically present, pick up the pen/pipe and get another hit or two in before it’s time to let go of this reality. Hopefully you have done your pre-trip preparations and have a nice place to lay back with no distractions, because in my opinion this is best experienced laying back with your eyes closed. Go completely internal and forget who you are for a few minutes. Open your mind to whatever visuals you might start to see in your mind’s eye. Typically, the vision starts with a kaleidoscope of colors and shapes. Just accept whatever you see and be curious enough to explore it and look further. This is where we start to get into the spiritual part of the experience.

I’ve noticed, at least for myself, the heavy body load that comes with the onset of the experience seems to coincide with the movement of the kaleidoscope patterns. When the kaleidoscope slows or transforms into what I would consider the actual (spiritual) experience, the body load seems to subside and it’s a little easier (mentally) to focus on what I’m seeing and communicate with it. At first, it may seem too overwhelming for most people to slow their mind down or even try to communicate with the experience. It’s very easy to just lay back and enjoy the show, but I find it to be a deeper, more rewarding experience to engage with what I’m seeing. Your thoughts and energy have a lot of influence on what is presented to you, and it might surprise you and communicate back to you or show you something.

As for the spiritual part of the experience, it is probably all up to interpretation, but bring no expectations for what you want to see. As a disclaimer, I will say it is only what you allow it to be, and don’t let yourself get too carried away with your newfound spiritualism. This is where the healing and internal work is done. You may or may not experience something that goes straight to the core of who you really are. You might only see some fun colors but come out of it with a newfound perspective on your childhood, old relationship, or a broader outlook on life and existence. You might also see or experience nothing (or claim to have experienced nothing), and this is when I would start to reflect and question your intentions. That said, every one of my own experiences has been different from the next, except for a few reoccurring themes. I find it very interesting when hearing of other peoples experiences compared to my own, there are a lot of parallels with not just other people, but with religious symbolism and even near death experiences. (not to be confused with what is commonly referred to as ‘near death experience’ in regard to the psychedelic ‘ego death’). To sum up my own experiences, I’ve encountered and communicated with multiple intelligent beings that seem or feel to be separate from my own consciousness. Many of them resemble those of eastern religious deities, namely Buddhism and Hinduism, with the occasional white-guy Jesus. The vision is usually a message of love or self-improvement, and I’m always so intrigued that they seem to know me better than I do. But there are also those that are referred to as jesters or elves. These guys are pranksters, jokers, and usually have a message too but it is more tough love and humor. For myself, I try not to get too caught up in the potential religious connection. I prefer to just take the lesson or message and move forward with that. Because for all I know, I’m only dealing with my own deep subconscious mind, and not some other entity from a different dimension.  

Phoenix Garden

We were taking a drive to show my cousin my secret camp spot by the river. We both came prepared to “blast off” but I wasn’t sure yet if I wanted to. I have camped here with my own family many times, so when we arrived all the memories came back much more clear. With that in mind I decided it was as good a time as any to blast off.

We hadn’t brought the hammocks or chairs, so we stayed in the vehicle with all the doors and windows down to get some fresh air and the sounds of nature. I’m sure we looked like a couple of tweakers to anybody else.

I began to take my hits, and at some point as I was in the space between here and full trip, the trees took on a personality again. It felt like they were all looking at me. It felt like they were asking why I was in this metal box and not sitting at their feet. In hindsight, that’s where I should have been. The trees were right.

As the visuals began and I closed my eyes, the first thing I saw was a giant bird coming down at me. It was a phoenix but with the face of a woman. She told me not to be afraid, that she was here to take me and guide me through the experience. I don’t remember the ride, but I was dropped off at a giant garden. The first thing I noticed was everybody and everything there was singing the same song. The gardener, the plants, the animals around us all had the same eyes and were all singing. To me it sounded like buzzing, almost electric, but I recognized it as a song.

The gardener was a giant woman. That is to say I was no taller than the plants she was tending to. She paid me no attention, she was busy doing her work. I began to realize that I was no different than the plants. Each one, like myself, was a separate consciousness.

I love how the imagery played out for me. The phoenix, who represents death and rebirth, takes me to a garden where the young plants are conscious and all from the same source. I also recognized the phoenix with the head of a woman as a mother figure.

Tree Music & Snake Mother (the source)

My previous experience required a bit more time for me to process before I felt the call to go back. I was just looking for something lighter as more of a reintroduction, or to check-in with old friends so to speak.

We decided on the old reliable Gold Mine trail. It’s a relatively short and easy hike to get to, with plenty of secluded rest spots for mind expanding activities.

As soon as we had a warm fire established, and hammocks up, it was time to settle in and clear our heads before blast-off.

Normally I would listen to the sound of the creek or some frequency/meditation music, but today I was feeling Pink Floyd’s ‘Shine on you Crazy Diamond’. I didn’t really set an intention, other than just to be in the moment and appreciate where I was.

I’ve been working on keeping my eyes open longer while I take hits as I feel like I can stay present long enough to get one more hit, rather than give in and close my eyes too early. It’s entertaining to watch the world change around you before you lay back and let the trip take over. This particular time all the trees around me came to life and were waving at me in excitement as I took each hit. Faces began to form within the texture of the bark. I couldn’t help but laugh a little as one tree face near me looked as high as I felt. I eventually let go, laid back and closed my eyes.

My vision began as I was transported through a kaleidoscope tunnel, and I came out the other side. I was INSIDE the music I was listening to, as if the music was a room, and I could see every sound moving around me. In this room with me were the trees I had seen earlier, but more alive and conscious. They were there to play the music for me, and they kept thanking me for coming and bringing the music. It was a concert, and I was their guest. Occasionally a random entity would enter the room with us and smile in appreciation for the music. We had a good time just hanging out with trees and listening to some cool tunes.

As the trip began to fade, it was time for me to leave. The trees thanked me again and told me to come back anytime.

 After some time had passed, my cousin took his turn while I warmed myself by the fire. I decided to go back in. I had made my usual preparations and blasted off.

 As soon as the kaleidoscope visuals began, I remembered a previous experience where I was told the kaleidoscope was just an image to distract me, that the true experience was waiting beyond that. Just as quickly as I had processed that thought, the kaleidoscope stopped and became a beautiful woman who was holding me up against her giant breasts. She kept hugging and kissing me and smashing me into her chest. Her breast were cartoonishly large. I’m not going to lie and say it wasn’t an enjoyable vision, but something didn’t feel right. It was too much. That’s when I realized this too was just an illusion to trick me and keep me from the true experience. That’s when the woman and everything around me melted, and there was nothing left. Just black emptiness like space, but no stars. In the distance I could see what I would describe as Snake Mother. She said nothing, she was everything. She had no emotions, not good or bad, she was beyond that. Yet I could faintly make out a look of approval.

I spent a moment studying how she looked. She looked a lot like the mother figure I met in my very first DMT experience. She had snake eyes, a female head and upper body, but at the waist began her snake half. She had an infinite number of hands holding what looked like strings of neon light. At the other end of the string was another person experiencing something, but it was all a projected vision that Snake Mother had chosen for them. I had initially felt betrayed by the fake vision, but she told me she thought my physical self would enjoy it and it was only to help me feel good. I guess she wasn’t wrong, but I was looking for more substance. My time there was coming to an end and Snake Mother instructed me to return to my body, not that I had a choice.

My Brother

 The intention I have feared. The answers I wanted but didn’t want to ask. This nagging feeling has been within me for years. It’s the trip I have avoided.

My brother took his own life in 2007 on his 30^th birthday. We had an eventful childhood to say the least, and even though I love him, we had some really bad times, and I spent a lot of time being angry with him. But I never turned him away.

On this journey I asked if I could speak with my brother. I wasn’t sure if that was even possible, or what I was going to be shown.

What I experienced was very profound, but extremely personal. While I’m not going to share all of the details in this entry, I will say this: I am my brother, and he is me. We have come from the same spirit. To hurt someone, is to hurt yourself. Just the same, to love someone is to love yourself. I spent a moment as the singular spirit that is all of us and apologized to myself for the pain that has been put on my brother and myself. Whether or not I “see” him again is irrelevant. He is part of me.

Dirty Energy

 I’ve read of many people’s experiences being “blocked” or not being able to break through. This is my first experience of actually being turned away by entities. I don’t recall where my head was or what my intention was when I began. In hindsight I think that was my problem.

When the visuals began, I was in a room with several of the common entities I have met throughout my previous journey’s. The first one I saw was ‘DMT lady’. She was made of all colors. She was beautiful, and she knew it. I tried to greet her, but she said she wouldn’t speak to me but that she would allow me to look at and admire her. I was annoyed by her arrogance and turned my attention to the other entities. To my left was a small group of entities that I perceived as my ancestors, or some sort of male fatherly figures. I wasn’t able to communicate with them, it just felt like they were there to observe. To my right was the mother figure I see often. She was the only one that would allow a back and fourth conversation, but it really was just one sided. She kept telling me I wasn’t allowed in this time because of the dirty energy I had brought with me. It was like a mother scolding her child for coming into the house with dirty shoes on. She began brushing her hands down to wipe the dirty energy away. I looked around my body and it too was made of many colors just like DMT Lady. But between the colors was something black that didn’t belong. The black color I assume was the dirty energy. When the Mother was finished wiping the dirty energy from me, she told me I had forgotten who I was, and that my physical body isn’t me but I have to go back to it and remember who I am.

Upon waking up back in the ‘real world’, this physical world, there were a few minutes during the after glow that I actually was not aware of who I was or where I was. It took me a moment of looking around to realize I was in my bedroom and in my physical body. They told me I forgot who I was, and I literally forgot who I was for a few minutes- what a mind fuck. I remember my first thought after coming back to reality is that I was disappointed to be back, and of all the places in the universe to drop me off at  they picked this one. I’m reading this as I write, and I know it sounds bad. But to be clear I’m not sad with who I am or what my life is. There’s just a sharp contrast between the infinite beauty and love that exists within the DMT experience, and the love that is narrowly defined and seen in the world in which we live right now.

The Shaman

 February 16

This wasn’t my first interaction with a Shaman. After my first experience seeing a Shaman, and hearing stories of other peoples’ experiences, I feel like the Shaman in the DMT experience is the heavy lifter. He’s the one doing the dirty work. He isn’t there to show you pretty colors or explain the meaning of love. When you encounter him, he’s all business.

Be polite. Show him love and gratitude. Now, sit down, shut up, and do as you’re instructed.  

The purpose for my visit was to address this fear of heights that has gradually affected me more as I have gotten older. As a child and young adult, it never affected me. At some point in my life I started to feel very uneasy at heights. It’s not so much the height or distance above ground as much as it’s like vertigo and I feel too dizzy to stabilize myself and I start to freeze up. I can normally just avoid these situations and put on a cool face, but with my new job I have to use ladders and work on tower decks at heights. I’ve worked so hard to get here, I have to find a way to address this fear.

As the vision began, I approached a golden brick structure with a doorway. The same as I had seen in a previous experience where Ganesh met me at the doorway. This time it was a Shaman waiting for me. He told me I could not enter yet. First I must give in order to receive. I wasn’t sure what to give him. I began to think about how much love I have been shown in my all my journeys, and how grateful I am for the experiences. I realized that love and gratitude are the true currency of the universe.

I told the Shaman I offer him my love and gratitude. He gave me an approving look and the doorway behind him opened. He motioned for me to follow him in. As we travelled and searched these long corridors with multiple rooms, the Shaman told me the golden structure represented my body. Each brick, room, corridor represented a different part of me – All my feelings and experiences.

We stopped in a room, which looked like every other room we had already passed. The Shaman said he found it. The source of my fear of heights. He grasped the end of a brick and began pulling it from the wall. Simultaneously I could see the same brick being pulled from my chest. Just as he was pulling the last of the brick out, he told me fear is a choice. Then he held the brick high above his head and started yelling something in a language I didn’t understand. That’s when he gave me a big spartan kick and I fell backwards and landed on the back of a lion.

Apparently, his work with me was finished.

The lion ran fast back to the golden doorway. As I looked back at the Shaman, he still had the brick raised in the air, and was still yelling or chanting loudly. He faded away in the distance. 

This was a rare case of experiencing what I had intended to see.

In the following days and weeks I have noticed a change in my fear of heights. My first day back at work, I chose the tallest structure in my unit and climbed straight to the top. It hasn’t been a sudden change and has not disappeared overnight. I have become less uncomfortable and keep reminding myself fear is a choice. I’ll continue working on desensitizing myself.

 Was it really the work of a Shaman, or was it all in my head? Does it really matter which?  

Do Not Enter The Machine

 November 25.

It has been several weeks since my last experience. I have been extremely occupied with a career change and getting settled in with my new schedule. I’m really looking forward to this experience.

There was no kaleidoscope like before. The vision began immediately. I was greeted by a man that I thought looked like Michelangelo. He wanted me to look at a machine he had created. It seemed autonomous. When I looked at the machine it saw me and changed direction to move towards me. There was a bright shining center to the machine that was its eye, and it was made of many moving parts and gears. As it drew closer to me, I began to see that the machine was not mechanical at all, it was made up of millions of people trying to climb and scramble over each other to get to the center. No one person seemed to care about the person next to them other than to use them as a step to get closer to the center. They looked like a bunch of bugs with no care other than their own hunger.

Michelangelo asked me if I wanted to go inside this machine. I hesitated to answer because I was curious, but it didn’t look enjoyable. He told me that all of these people are wasting their time, most never make it to the center. He told me I was different and that I should stay outside with “Us”. It was not difficult to convince me, the machine looked bad. Michelangelo walked me around the back of the machine where he showed me what happens to those that make it to the center. People that make the climb and use their fellow man to step on are eaten by this machine and liquified in a process and then turned into donuts and pastries that these people like Michelangelo then eat. He asked if I wanted to eat a donut. The donuts had strange hieroglyphic writing on them. It seemed so weird, I refused.

To me, this machine represented the ‘rat race’, possibly greed, lust, arrogance. The shining center being wealth, power or status. None of the things that make a real wholesome existence truly rewarding. The people that make up this machine are lost in a perpetual cycle of self-destruction and are only seemingly free after stepping on their fellow man only to be liquified and turned into a snack.

I’ve been very conflicted about this experience. Everything I have encountered, until now, all seemed mostly or entirely benevolent and well meaning.  I wouldn’t go as far as to say what I encountered this time was necessarily bad or evil, but strangely at ease with the process in which this machine devours misguided people. Maybe these people can’t be saved? It was their own greed and desire that had them chasing the light within this machine after all.

Michelangelo did warn me not to go in, so I have to give credit where it is due. Benevolent or not, I have yet to receive bad advice from anything I encounter. I’m still not sure if I would eat one of those donuts.

 Some time had passed since that journey. My head felt clear. I felt present back in this world, but I had not yet opened my eyes. I decided to go in again.  

After a few hits I was presented with the face of a dragon, as if he was blocking me. He looked like the dragon you would see in a parade like Chinese new year. Except this one had feathers like a native American head dress and eyes at the end of each feather.

I thought I had tried too early after the previous journey, or possibly I hadn’t done enough. I’m already here so might as well do more. I could still feel the pen in my hand. I kept my eyes closed so as not to interrupt the vision. I took 2 more hits. Just then a man steps out from behind the dragon and tells me that was enough, and he motioned me to follow him in. The man was dressed similar to the dragon, all flashy with different colors and feathers. We were on a long row of neon lights that looked like a rope bridge. At the other end of the neon bridge were multiple rooms made of gold. Each room led to an infinite number of rooms, like looking into a tesseract. The dragon still did not want me there, he kept staring down at me as if to intimidate me. Ironically, in a previous journey, I was taught by a shaman to stare down a dragon and not let it intimidate me. I used this technique he showed me, and the dragon became embarrassed and would no longer look me in the eye. At that point I was able to move around the golden room freely. The man partnered with the dragon was shedding golden scales from the dragon and showering me with them. He told me they represented love, wisdom, and good fortune. But he had a difficult time explaining that because apparently humans (incorrectly) separate the meaning of love from things like wisdom and respect. In their world, he said, it was all one thing not to be categorized separately. So, to give them to me separately was odd but it was the only way I could understand it.

As I left the man and the dragon, I was greeted by a cat. The cat wanted to show me that the kaleidoscope visions most people see (on DMT) were just an illusion. It’s like a picture to distract you. He showed me how the depth of the vision can be a trick and that it was always a one-dimensional image. The cat said that if you learn the trick to the kaleidoscope, you will understand the energy that makes existence possible. He quickly turned his example sideways to show me energy that was feeding the kaleidoscope image but turned it back just as fast. I wasn’t supposed to see that, he told me.

I thanked the cat and the vision ended.

I’m left wondering how many of my visions have just been a distraction or an illusion. Obviously, there’s some irony in that question. Because how can you explain the dmt experience to begin with? You can just as easily explain consciousness and life as you can explain what you experience while using dmt.

You Are The Spirit, Your Body Is The Journey

 October 10.

I haven’t done a double journey for a few months, and every experience since has felt too short and incomplete. This morning the house was quiet, so I wanted to dive in a couple times to satisfy that curious hunger. I prepped with some nice meditation music and deep breathing. My intention was to remind myself of my first lesson being of love and that I should lead my decisions based on that. Once I felt relaxed enough to go in, I switched my music to some aboriginal didgeridoo as I’ve never tripped on that before.

As soon as I felt like I had taken enough hits, I did one more. I closed my eyes, laid my head back and the colors began to set in. It looked like I was surrounded by a bunch of Christmas lights. The lights began to move toward each other and became a shaman. He had a big colorful hat and a big fat nose. He had a staff in one hand that he started to shake, and a ball of light in the other; He studied me for a minute. The shaman transformed into a dragon made of fire. I was told “Do not break eye contact”. The dragon began charging at me from several different directions. I felt like I might be run over a couple times, but I did not look away. The dragon then faded away into a rainbow and these elves appeared and told me it was a test to see if I was brave enough to be here. Apparently I had passed the test.

As the vision began to fade out, I could see the elves playing the music I was listening to, but they were using squeaky toys and little horns instead of a didgeridoo. Never underestimate the elf’s ability to make light of your trip, they never fail.

I savored that experience for several minutes and let the body high subside. Now that I had permission to be there, I was going back in.

As the next journey began, I was greeted by a person made of stars and planets, but surrounding their cosmic body looked like feathers. They were making a sad face at me. I asked them why they were sad, but it was as if I was asking myself (that’s a difficult part to describe with words). They showed me the outline shape of a man’s body, and it was surrounded by stars. Inside the body shape looked like infinite darkness. I suddenly understood that this body was an empty vessel, it looked like it was made of glass. They put me inside this empty body and told me they had given me everything.

The next message I got was two-fold; The emptiness represents my own unhappiness, the void within myself that only I am capable of filling. Not that I’m entirely unhappy, but I think it was more representative of the human condition whereas we are constantly working and searching through difficulties to find happiness. It also represented my higher purpose which was to fill this body with light. I realized that I was the spirit that occupied the body, and that my body was not mine, but it was part of my journey. And with pure love in my actions, my body will be filled with light.

Once my spirit had filled my body, they led me to a ceremony that felt like I was the guest of honor. It looked like I was in a forest, and I was surrounded by many cosmic entities. I was laid down in the center of this ceremony and they began to sing to me. They were singing my cosmic self to sleep so that my body could wake up in the physical world.

To The Top!

September 21

I think winter is coming early this year. Fall is here like the flip of a switch. We made a deceivingly challenging 2 day hunt covering roughly 15 miles on foot and totaling around 5000ft change in elevation round trip. That night was about 10 degrees colder than the forecast, so I didn’t sleep much. The following morning we made a short hike to a meadow and collected some much needed water. Everything was still covered in frost. The sun was just beginning to crest the peaks to our east and the warmth was very welcomed. All the autumn colors in the meadow lit up like neon. I was so drained from the freezing night I couldn’t help but disregard the hunt and just sleep in the warm grass.

When I was finally conscious and somewhat useful, we agreed to have a little spiritual journey. I always say when you’ve been physically humbled and your guard is down, it’s a good time because you don’t have to negotiate your ego during blast off. Besides, it was a good excuse to lay back and close my eyes again. 

As the vision began, the swirling kaleidoscope of colors became a group of pastel colored Teddy Bears, Pink, blue, orange and yellow.

The Teddy Bears were making strange hand gestures and looking through their fingers in such a way as to examine me. They kept moving closer and closer. It wasn’t weird or uncomfortable, it just felt like they were checking me out to make sure everything was good, but they were very serious about their job. Behind them was another Teddy Bear, the yellow one, but he looked different. He kept making faces and mocking the other bear’s gestures. I felt myself giggle a little and the other Bear started making very exaggerated karate chops and punching the air. His alternating punches started pointing to the sky and he was laughing and yelling to “To the Top!”.  Then the Bears passed me by and the funny one fell apart into a bunch of pieces.  

As I was fading out, I felt like the funny one was just trying to remind me not to be intimidated by people who take themselves too seriously. And even when you feel like you are being judged or criticized, not to take yourself too seriously either. 

After The Blue Moon

 August 31.

I had originally planned on my experience happening the night of the Blue Moon just because of the astrological significance (yesterday), but things just didn’t line up well with the day’s events. Rather than rush things and force an experience, I’ll wait for a quiet opportunity. The next morning seemed just right. I’ve felt a little off last few days, but this morning I felt pretty good.

My intention this time was just to express gratitude. This has been a good year for me, and I have felt blessed and thankful for things that have gone in my favor, and for my opportunities to network with people that I feel a new spiritual or energetic connection with. I settled into my routine and started with a short meditation session just to help me relax and clear my head. I was reclined on my bed in the dark and quiet with some soft frequency music playing in my headphones.

Just a few good puffs are all it takes. I don’t count them anymore, I just keep taking hits and holding them until I don’t recognize myself anymore; That’s how I know it’s enough.

I was anticipating the typical roller coaster entrance, (you know the feeling of cresting the big climb knowing it’s about to force you back down the other side and there’s nothing you can do except hold on. It’s scary but it’s fun. That feeling) but what I got instead was a very smooth transition. Nice and warm like fresh undies on cold buns. No big rush or spiritual whiplash, I just meshed right into the experience.

The kaleidoscope was of gold bricks decorated with eyes of many different colors. In the center was a doorway that began to open as soon as I recognized it. Ganesh (the Hindu/Buddhist elephant-man deity) was at the door to greet me and said, “Welcome into our world”. I followed him into the doorway. I entered what looked like many tunnels and chambers all lined with gold bricks and jeweled eyes and hieroglyphs. Each eye was a moment in time in someone’s life that could be peered through. As I drifted around admiring the vast size of the place, it reminded me of the inside of an Egyptian burial chamber or a pyramid. They told me they have been watching for a long time. I started to wonder if I would encounter anyone else on my journey, hopefully someone I have met already. That’s when I saw my true mother again. If ‘god’ was a woman, this is her. I admired how beautiful she was and how she was part of everything in this realm. Every gold brick that lined these tunnels- They were not her, she was not them, they were one. They were both individual parts but also part of each other. As it was the same for everything else there, just like it is I would assume in our physical world. She radiated such bright colorful light, but you could look directly into it. I began to thank her for my good fortune. She stopped me and smiled like I had a foolish thought. She said “That’s not why we’re here. You are one of us and our children. We love you”. She then carried me into the infinitely bright colorful light that was her heart. She put me inside and let me bathe in the warm light. I stayed there for the duration of my experience.

When I came to, I had tears in my eyes. That was the one of the most peaceful and loving experience I’ve ever felt.

Inside The Snake

 July 20

It was a hot July afternoon. I was taking a friend to a quiet local hiking spot with the hopes of finding a secluded spot by the creek to dip our feet in both physically and metaphorically. During a previous first attempt I believe there were too many distractions to really settle into the experience, but at least he was now accustomed to the feeling that washes over yourself when the DMT takes hold of you. His second attempt this day was not much more successful than the last, and I’m beginning to see that some people might think they want it or are ready, but maybe deep inside they are just not willing to relinquish their self-control in exchange for a chance to see the universe within themselves; It can be a scary feeling having to face yourself honestly.

The creek was very low so our options for finding an area with moving water were limited.

While hiking I was thinking about the act of physical activity and the challenge that came with it, and how I thought it was important to incorporate that into your process. Whether alone or with a partner, I feel like there’s a certain level of ego that must be let go when you’re doing something physically challenging at any level. You must force yourself out of your comfort zone and experience your own limitations. This was not by any means what I would consider a challenging hike, but it was the pace I set that made me feel weak. There is also something to be said about the endorphins released during exercise that help with the relaxation and meditation that would (should) come prior to a DMT experience.

We found a rocky portion of the creek that was still moving, yet not enough to be a hazard. It was just ankle deep and enough to cool our feet off while grounding. I found a comfortable sandy spot to lean against a log and let my feet lay in the water. I settled into my routine and got ready for blast off.

The vision began with a kaleidoscope of infinite circles within circles. I could feel the heaviness of the trip pressing on my body and the kaleidoscope circles became coils of a snake, and I felt like I was being squeezed. Within the center of the coils came the head of the snake with its mouth wide open. It was enormous. I did not feel threatened by the squeezing, nor by the snakes open mouth. The mouth was a doorway. I decided to walk inside. Waiting for me within the snake was a man who seemed too plain and modern for a DMT experience, he was very out of place. He just simply wanted to hang out with me. I could see him motioning to me and moving his mouth to communicate with me. It was a one-sided conversation, and I couldn’t hear any of it. The feeling that came over me as the experience was ending was that I share myself and help too willingly with people who might not appreciate or value my efforts. My time here is not infinite, and I should be more selective with my time and energy.

The man waved goodbye, and I walked out of the snake. Our parting was very casual. The vision ended quickly, and I opened my eyes.

Just Look Up

 July 5

It was a quiet morning. I had the house to myself. I haven’t been meditating much lately so I was taking advantage of the moment while I had no distractions. I was having a difficult time clearing my head and feeling settled. Thoughts of my previous DMT experience were still gnawing at me. The emotions I felt afterward had all but passed, but I still felt unsettled and have been wanting to ‘visit’ again to get some sort of closure.

After about 15 minutes of half-assed meditation due to my brain not shutting off, I decided to go for it. The only thing I had in my stomach at that point was a cup of coffee from a couple hours ago, and I was paying for it. As soon as the sensation had started to set in, my stomach was in a knot, and I thought I might puke. At this point the visuals had already begun, and there were multiple faces looking at me wondering what poison was making me feel sick. (In hindsight it could have had some relation to an issue in my solar plexus chakra which was pointed out to me during a Reiki session I had that afternoon. Reiki is a new experience for me and I’m just experimenting with it to see how I could benefit from it, but it has been helping me determine how to focus on my journeys and my meditation.)

The next image I was faced with was a woman in a long robe. She was standing at some sort of machine that she was operating, and a bit surprised to see me there. I was directed to observe a man digging in a tunnel. What I was seeing was like a cross section of the earth- like an ant farm. The man, whom I was told was me, looked like he had been endlessly digging. He was muddy and tired. The woman in the robe appeared and said he was wasting his time. “Just look up” she kept saying repeatedly.

I made a conscious effort to steer this digging-man upward. He began tunneling towards the surface. Still seeing a cross section of the earth, I could see him nearing a beautiful green sun filled pasture. As he broke through to the surface, he became a tree that grew large and strong, and brought shade to the hot grass.

That’s when the vision began to fade away. I begged them not to let me leave too soon. I asked them to tell me more, as I did not want anymore riddles. The image I was presented with was an oval, the shape of an open eye. But instead of an eyeball, it was a transparent human body that was surrounded by a glowing light that was pure white in the center and radiated out all colors of the rainbow. The eyelids started to close as a reminder my experience was ending. The entities I had met were inside this body, which was inside the eye. They told me “Everything is within you. Don’t forget to look up”.

Everything is within you. Don’t forget to look up.

I thought I asked for no more riddles. There are so many ways to interpret this, I don’t really know where to start. The digging man growing into a tree I feel like is symbolic of my search for purpose. Maybe I’m so distracted by the search itself I might miss my opportunity to grow. Becoming a big strong tree and shading the meadow from the hot sun I think is myself setting down roots and offering shelter for my loved ones. Maybe everything I need for this next phase in life is already within me, I just need to trust and believe in myself.

Just look up? I’m not sure about that one yet. I don’t know if this is supposed to be a metaphor. Maybe I need to just pause for a moment. Look up from my work and just appreciate.

Self Meet Anger, Anger Meet Self

 Summer Solstice. It was a very light spring rain, but still warm and humid. The new spring growth was so green it was almost neon. I love the smell of the spring air and wet soil.

 We hiked a trail to an old gold mine and settled on the mill site down by the creek. The trees at the water’s edge were just the right distance apart to hold the hammock. We both took our shoes off and ‘grounded’ while we set things up. Whether or not you believe in grounding, you should look it up and try it – At a minimum it feels refreshing, and that’s enough. I quickly strung up the hammock and settled in. My cousin opted for the dirt and leaned up against a tree.

Occasionally I will listen to frequency music to help eliminate distractions which helps me separate from my physical self and surroundings; I will do this for meditation also. But the only ambient noise was the creek, some rain drops, and the occasional bird chirping. Couldn’t get a better soundtrack.

I relaxed in the hammock and made some last-minute mental preparations, then lift-off.

There was no kaleidoscope this time. Immediately I saw a flash of a very traditional looking image of Golden Tara (Sitting upright on her lotus just like you see in the Buddhist paintings). Then flashed the image of an elephant head. The visuals morphed into a mother figure holding me. She was loving and kissing me, just as you expect a mother would to her child. As I lied there looking up at my ‘mother’, I could see several pairs of hands reaching down to touch me. I got the sense, like before, that these were my ancestors. It felt like they were all there to help share positive energy with me. The entire room was fluctuating all the colors of the rainbow, except for a small area in the distance. It was dark. A pair of red eyes appeared. They did not move closer, but cautiously stayed back. My first thought was that it was the embodiment of my anger, and the entities around me confirmed it. Their posture changed like they were protecting me and did not want me to look at it. He looked wild with crazy hair, except he was solid black and the only features I could make out were his eyes and his silhouette. I faded back to reality and felt really good about that experience, but I couldn’t get the image of my anger out of my head.

My cousin took her turn. This was her first experience with DMT so initially she started with just one hit to feel it out. The unwritten rule is 3 hits (or 1 more when you think you’ve had enough). But we weren’t trying to melt brains, just a positive introduction.

 I decided to go a second time, but I might have had foolish intentions. I’ve been working through some deep-seated anger for a while, and now that I know what he looked like I know who to look for. Maybe I watched too many action movies as a kid, but my plan was to go back in and fight my anger.

After a couple hits on the pen, I could feel an enormous weight pressing down on me. I had no choice but to lay back. Normally I would have been conscious enough for more hits, but this was pulling me back harder than usual, so I relented and set the pen down. I closed my eyes, and my first sense was that I was in a room, but I couldn’t see anything. It looked like there was a veil in front of my eyes. There was a man and a woman tending to me as if I was their patient. The man reminded me of Snake Man from a previous experience, but I’m not sure if he was the same entity. They were both very caring and seemed concerned. They were repeatedly saying they don’t understand why I’m doing this to myself, and that I don’t have to carry this weight. I realized immediately that my intention when going in was the wrong approach.

 Attempting to collect myself and reflect afterwards, I was full of conflicting feelings and emotions. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the anger ‘monster’ was me, or at least part of me.  If I’m fighting him, then I’m fighting myself and you can’t fight anger with anger. I hope I didn’t abuse this gift of access into this ‘world’ with my intentions. I’m anxious to go back in after some soul searching and just see where I stand with these entities and what my next lesson is.

Thinking more about my approach to anger, I wish I could go back and visit my younger self. I want to find myself at these significant moments in my life that planted the seeds of anger and offer my younger self some guidance and love.

Baby Likes His Toys

 June 2.

We decided to spend the evening at the river behind our house- myself, my wife, sister, son, and our cousin. Not everyone was going to take part in the mind-expanding activities, but it was a nice warm spring evening to spend outside. We set out some comfortable chairs and just enjoyed the sunset for a while.

My ability to take a full hit and hold it for several seconds has improved, and I wanted to keep my eyes open longer this time before laying back for lift-off. I kept pulling large hits until the physical world began to kaleidoscope. The tree branches started growing and swirling into geometric patterns. The clouds became a rainbow-colored checkerboard.

The closed-eye kaleidoscope visuals were almost nonexistent before the real trip had begun. The images were very clear again this time, similar to my ancestor experience. What appeared to me was my DMT mother and father (or at least that’s the thought that entered my head when they appeared). They looked as if they were pulled right from a deck of cards, king and queen. The ‘mother’ was wearing a big sunhat and was glowing with bright golden white light. I could see a clear blue sky behind them and felt as if we were at the beach. I could almost feel the heat of the sun. That’s when I realized I was not only their ‘child’ in this vision, but I was a baby. They were leaning over me smiling and playfully shaking baby toys at me. It felt a little condescending to be honest. Don’t get me wrong, I felt loved, but I felt like I was being teased. Mostly from the ‘mother’, while the ‘father’ sat back more stoic but with a slightly approving smile. They just kept shaking this baby rattle at me and it was like they were mockingly saying “little baby likes his toys!”.

The ‘father’ gave me one last nod of approval and that was the end of it.

I think I could have stayed in much longer due to how many hits I took, but I was a little distracted with the other people around me. I was pretty high for several minutes afterward and was still getting waves of euphoria and seeing fractal patterns on everything.

 I can’t help but notice the obvious pattern of meeting a mother figure within most of my trips. I’m thinking that plays a lot into the idea of rebirth and that maybe it’s a visual manifestation of the spiritual and emotional shakeup (maturing) that I’m feeling.

A couple thoughts on being a baby and the significance of the toy:

One theory is in terms of spiritual wisdom and maturity, I am infantile in comparison to these entities that I meet (if they’re even real). My growth at this point is only the beginning, which was perfectly captured in my first trip and the feeling of being in a womb where I met my so-called true mother.

My thoughts on the baby toy are that it could have been a reference to the vape pen I use to access this world, and possibly it is seen as a silly crutch to these entities whereas a well practiced and spiritually matured being could probably just meditate their way into “DMT land”.

The toy could also be a representation of my physical materialistic wants/needs. These things we spend our entire lives chasing and toiling for, that don’t last but a fraction of the time we are here, they are worthless when we pass to wherever we might go after this.

Trolls

 May 29.

My wife had been intrigued for a while after hearing all my wild stories of profound visuals. I think something that is often understated at times, a lot of the time, the visuals and colors we see sometimes don’t mean anything. I mentioned before that I think it’s easy to fall for the “magic” of DMT, and likewise it’s more fun to talk about the more profound experiences.

We finally made time for her to dip her toes in. Her experience was short and sweet, just enough for her to want to come back later. Now that she is familiar with the feeling that rushes to your head, I think she will be relaxed enough to go in deeper next time.

My experience was nothing profound either, but still positive. My only intention really was just to go in and ‘say hi’. I wanted her to be able to observe me and see that it wasn’t some scary roller coaster ride.

My vision started as a swirling golden kaleidoscope of eyes that became thousands of Trolls (like the toy with the big hair). These trolls were all lined up marching past me. All were smiling and seemingly happy to see me. Out of the corners of my eyes I could see them making faces at me as they walked by. As my trip was coming to an end, one of the trolls stepped out of formation front and center, and like a metal head started headbanging and gave me the ‘horns’ hand symbol.

Nothing too crazy to write about. It might have been my shortest trip yet. Regardless, it was an enjoyable experience. My only takeaway would be for newcomers- Don’t build up this experience like it’s going to shatter the world as you know it and give you the winning lotto numbers. You don’t really know what visual you will get, and neither do I. If you have some grandiose expectations, just expect to be disappointed. Rather, just enjoy whatever it is.

Ancestors

May 11.

It has been more than a few years since I last made a serious attempt to pick up a pencil and start drawing again. I’ve been feeling more inspired recently and am trying to rekindle those skills. I have been wanting to draw a DMT inspired picture, something that encompasses my whole experience up to this point. The colors and designs are so complicated and always moving it’s really difficult to settle on one thing for inspiration; Let alone the profound characters and messages I’ve faced.

So obviously I found an excuse for another session. My original intention was to just take a single drag or two just to get the creative juices flowing, but once I started in it felt wrong to stop short. Three or four puffs later and my mind starts to drift, so I lay back and close my eyes. The initial kaleidoscope of colors slowed down enough for me to realize I was looking at my own face. There were multiples of myself, still in kaleidoscope pattern except no longer spinning. I was really amazed at the clarity and detail, and it made me smile- The weird part is that I was watching myself smile. I can still remember seeing my own smile lines and watching my beard move. At that point each one of my faces that occupied a section of the kaleidoscope began to change, and they were all different faces but somehow familiar. The feeling came over me that I was looking at my ancestors, or rather they were looking at me. They all seemed happy to see me. Unfortunately, none of them communicated directly with me but they were lively, and it was a very positive interaction. The ancestors faces drifted away and there was a lady (I’m just naming her DMT lady). She, much like the Golden Tara vision before, was very insistent that I follow her and unhappy to hear that I was leaving again so soon.  ‘DMT Lady’ eventually accepted that my time there was temporary, so she wanted to show me something before I left. In her hand was a tiny little solar system. At that moment my trip began to fade away, and one of my ancestors’ faces appeared. In a goofy, comical way, he just wanted to say, “See you next time buddy!”. And then the trip ended like a curtain closing.

 I’m not sure how to interpret the DMT Lady or the solar system in her hand. My first impression was that she was Golden Tara, but she wasn’t ‘golden’ and was a more interactive visual. She had a personality and feelings.

My impression from the ancestors was just that maybe they see me and are recognizing I’m doing a good job. I had recently been very stressed about a potential career change and decided to pass on the offer so as not to upset the family dynamic. I feel like I was being reassured that my priorities were correct. While I’m not 100% satisfied with my current career, I’m content with the fact that we’re all together and we’re happy here- I won’t stress the rest.

I went into this trip wanting artistic inspiration. I didn’t get it. Just another reminder that whatever vision or message you receive is not on your terms. 

Snake Man

 May 7.

My cousin and I had set out for another wet hike. Our target was a trail to an old gold mine and log cabin. Unfortunately, our plans had to change when what we saw parked at the trailhead was a sketchy looking couple of tweakers in a junky truck. They didn’t look like the friendly ‘hike in the rain’ type, so rather than risk our vehicles being broken into we changed course. We were able to locate another service road that would lead into the general direction of the gold mine, but we weren’t sure if it would connect. Regardless, I’m always in the mood for exploring new areas. We parked at the gate and started our walk in.

The entire walk up to the top of the ridge was talk of a job I had recently applied for that was causing me a bit of stress, and how both of our childhoods lacking mentors and role models we have come to realize is now our position to fill. If I were to accept this job, I would have to move and start all over again and probably drive a wedge within my immediate family. But the job was REALLY good. So, I was conflicted. Memories of our (short) move to Texas and back still haunt us, which I won’t get into. If you ask me about it sometime, just get the beers lined up and get ready for a story.

We found the top of the ridge and spent a few minutes admiring somebody’s weather station before heading back down. We had hiked almost all the way back down before the brush had opened up enough to find a little spot by the creek to hang out. The clouds had started to part, and we were getting some sun rays piercing the trees. Anyone who spends time outside in the pacific northwest (northwet) knows that thankful feeling when the rain pauses long enough to remember what the sun looks like and it glistens off everything that had just been soaked.

The hammock was up in minutes, as well as the new rain fly. We had an under quilt in the hammock this time, I find that the minutes after a DMT trip leaves me feeling chilly and shivering. Maybe it’s just that the weather here can suck, but we were prepared none the less.

The intention that I set before my trip was that I wanted some clarity on this crossroads in front of me. Whether or not to take the job and move, or to stick it out where I don’t feel there are many job prospects, but my family stays together. If I had to use one word to describe this trip, it would be ominous. As soon as the trip began, it was a kaleidoscope of puzzle pieces that became a dark room. All along the walls were hundreds of snake eyes observing me. A huge cobra with full hood on display appeared right above me. Mouth open as if ready to eat me. I thought “fine, go ahead and eat me”. At that moment I felt the presence of ‘Golden Tara’. Here she is again, always there to greet me somehow. She put her hand on my back as if to reassure me. Her message was “Don’t worry, everything will fine. But you will still be eaten.”

Then I woke up. I spent some time reflecting on what I experienced. I did not feel good about it, so I waited for my cousin to have his experience before I went for another session.

My second trip came on fast. Immediately I had an image of a fat lady in a ballerina tutu. With her crazy eyes staring down at me and big smile, she was sitting on my face. I couldn’t help but start to laugh. The more I laughed, the faster she slammed up and down on my face. It was disturbing, but hilarious. It took all of my concentration to keep from laughing so I could remind this fat ballerina that I was here for a reason.  As fast as I was able regain my composure, she was finished and very offended. The color and kaleidoscope designs faded away to a completely white surrounding. A small cabin in a Japanese garden appeared. There was a very wise looking older bearded man waiting for me. He did not say or communicate anything to me. This felt like an arranged meeting. In an instant he transformed into the giant cobra from my previous trip. All of the white had turned fiery orange and yellow. Again, appears the ‘Golden Tara’. She leans in towards the snake to whisper something into his ear. I felt as if she was telling him everything about me, as if he now knew all of my secrets. The cobra’s eyes stared back at mine. He then transformed back into the old wise man. He informed me that the form he takes is up to me. Either I get the snake, or I get the nice old wise man- but it was up to me. I was quickly shown both forms again, and it repeated very fast like a slide show as I faded out of my trip. 

I don’t even know what to say about the fat ballerina, but when I came out of my trip I was laughing so hard I had tears running down my face.

A couple weeks later as I write this, I’m still trying to interpret the rest of this trip. The snakes, the old man, and the lady that keeps appearing. The entire theme of snakes wanting to eat me and observe me as if I’m a ritual sacrifice. It left me wondering if I’m the snake, and my misguided ambitions are causing me to devour myself with stress. And maybe I’m supposed to be the old man (referring to my conversation earlier about accepting my role as a mentor for younger generations of my family). Maybe all the snake eyes observing me represent my feelings of being the main provider of my household, and every decision I make I feel like ‘all eyes are on me’.

Right after my trip, I had decided not to accept the new job and I was hit with a giant wave of relief.

With ‘Golden Tara’ being a reoccurring encounter in my trips, I was curious if in Buddhism there were any significance to snakes. As I found out, there is a deity named Naga. He can take the form of either a human or a cobra. Naga is believed to be very wise and beneficial to humans, but also potentially dangerous. In Buddhist lore, the Naga king took the form of a cobra to shelter Buddha from rain during a flood. Snakes in many cultures represent mortality and rebirth. Remembering my first trip, I can draw a parallel with rebirth being that I felt I was in a womb when I was introduced to my “true mother” (Golden Tara).

Definitely a lot to interpret and think about.

Passing Thoughts. Trying To Make Sense Of It All

Since my first trip, I have felt compelled to talk to everyone about DMT. That is what led me to start this blog; I’m not the self-important travel blogger type that has to stage selfies everywhere, I’m usually the quiet person in the room. But now all I want to do is talk to people about it. At times I feel as if I can pinpoint a certain person and think “that person needs DMT”. I believe that all people have the potential to benefit from the DMT experience, but not all people will be capable of understanding or appreciating it. Most often, a good canidate in my opinion, is a person who has delt with past trauma or is currently experiencing some challenges in life, but most importantly someone that is receptive to the mind opening experience. It’s because of the refreshing clarity I have felt, but also all those old, bad emotions that have been hidden away. These things that have caused me to quietly and subconsciously setup traps and barriers for myself. These things resurface in a way that allows me to gain a new perspective without having to relive them again, and now I can separate them and take the good from the bad. But I'm still human like everyone else and therefore need to keep working on just being better and not repeating past mistakes. 

IF you would entertain the thought that maybe the DMT realm or the things you meet are “real”, maybe they are looking to connect with us.  I feel like once someone gets a taste of the clarity that comes after, or the spiritual shakeup, they can focus more on what is important to them and set aside all the distractions. Maybe these characters you meet are like spirit guides, and they have been waiting for a chance to communicate in a way to help you. Maybe we’re supposed to share this and combine or raise positive energies so to speak and lift each other up.

On the other hand, it could all just be some images your subconscious has created in order to make sense of the thoughts and feelings that surfaced during a trip. For the new user, it can’t be described very easily, the visions and experiences are not like a cartoon or movie that plays for you. While there are “visuals”, it’s a very psychological experience. Almost dreamlike, but it’s an extremely lucid feeling. It can’t be explained in physical terms to the person who hasn’t yet felt it- Only the person who has tried DMT can understand; there’s a lot unspoken that simply can’t be described to the non-user.

It’s really easy to fall for the “magic” of DMT, I think we want it to be something bigger than ourselves. Something divine possibly. I really try to just draw on the lessons I can receive, and maybe just leave the rest for entertainment. Although that doesn’t account for something like learning of Buddhist deities that I had never heard of before. This brings me back to some of my original thoughts on the DMT experience:

“Is it my own subconscious that is wiser than my outward self? Is there an intelligent energy in our world that people have forgotten how to have a relationship with? I don’t know. What I do know is it requires an open, willing, and flexible mind, and a willingness to accept what you are presented with without pulling away, but instead have the curiosity to keep asking and looking further into the trip.”

 I’ll take my own advice and just be willing to accept what I feel and try to learn from it. I have grown to have an enormous amount of respect for what DMT is capable of. I find myself without the urge to do it more after having a positive trip, almost as if I want to savor that experience and not take these favors for granted. In fact, you don’t know what the next trip will be, that’s part of the intrigue. Maybe if you have done enough, it will let you know in some way. If you need more, if there are more lessons to be learned,     it will call to you.

Love Yourself

 April 5.

It was several years ago that my sister had introduced me to the idea of DMT (ayahuasca). I had never heard of it before, and she told me she thought it would be good therapy. We grew up together and had similar baggage so to speak. I made a half-assed effort to do some research on the internet, and I was still interested. Ever since then it has been a very loud blip on my radar.

Fast forward to the present day. I’m on my way to visit my sister and see her new apartment. Being somewhat fresh off my first experience and still full of questions and self-reflection, I was excited to share my experience with her.

Setting is important. In hindsight, my sister’s completely empty apartment was far from the perfect setting, but I love my sister and I know she loves me, maybe that was enough.

After a brief coaching session on what to expect and how long it lasts, I went in first just to show her it was safe. This experience was not very deep or complex but was not lacking its wonderful colors and warm feeling of love. Overall positive trip, and in minutes I was awake with a smile.

I watched as my sister started in. I remember seeing her lay back and felt happy for her that she was able to experience this. I was still a little euphoric after being showered with love, I just assumed her experience would be similar.

The irony is that she had the opposite experience. Apparently while I was sitting there all grins and congratulating myself for helping her with her first experience, she was in the middle of a near death experience.

No, she wasn’t really dying. But I hear it’s a fairly common experience to be faced with your own mortality. Even though it was frightening, she still came away feeling refreshed, and her first reaction was that maybe she has control issues.

After reflecting on both trips for some time I decided to go for another session. I remember going in I felt bad that my sister’s experience was somewhat negative. Once the euphoric rush had settled and I was seeing a bright golden white design that I couldn’t quite focus on. I realized I was focusing too hard, so I backed away as to allow the full picture to come into view (I did not back away in the physical sense, it was a thought and a reaction within the image I was seeing).

When everything came into focus, I saw what looked like (in my own words) a “golden buddha lady sitting cross legged”. Pardon my ignorance, I knew nothing of Buddhism before this experience, I’m just describing what I saw. The lady called me to follow her; she told me she was my true mother (the same mother from my first trip). I knew my trip would not last much longer, and she seemed to sense my thoughts and repeatedly urged me to follow her anyway. I was showered with an intense feeling of unconditional love, and her image faded away. She was replaced with some spiraling designs of golden light and a face that resembled my sister’s face. At that moment I thought that I couldn’t believe my sister was afraid of this. And as fast as I had completed my thought, the single face of my sister became millions of faces that were all laughing. They were laughing at her.

 

The following couple of weeks I was lost in thought and reflection about this experience. I had so much information to sort out. The main theme I felt was love. I felt so much love in a matter of minutes- Love for myself, love for my sister, and love for everyone else that was part of my life. It was a stark contrast to my mostly neglectful upbringing that I realized I had spent most of my life making decisions based on fear and anger, and that I have hated myself. I felt that my disregard for myself has hurt my ability to show my love for others. Moving forward I have to learn to love myself and try to make decisions based on love instead of fear or anger.

Sharing my experience with my cousin, he had pointed out the significance of the colors and Buddhist imagery. I decided to do a little research and found that a deity exists in Buddhism named Golden Tara.

Golden Tara is the life-giving female Buddha and is typically shown in radiant golden light. She fulfills your life energy and purpose. I encourage anyone to look her up.

My mind is blown. The exact parallels in my experiences with this Buddhist deity motivated me to seek advice from someone that I knew was more knowledgeable in this area in hopes to save me some time on the internet, and just seek out a sharing of knowledge and positive energy with a real person.

I haven’t converted to Buddhism, and I am not looking for religion. But I have started meditating, and I really like how it makes me feel. My wife and kids have noticed a positive change, that’s all the religion I need.

Handshake

 

March 12.

I had arranged to meet my son, 23 years of age, and my cousin for a hike in some local foothills for some exercise. It’s an area I have hiked and scouted in the past but neither my son nor my cousin had been there before. Psychedelics or not, it’s still valuable time spent in nature with good company getting exercise, so it’s not a waste.

Six miles round trip and about 2000ft gain. We planned to bring weighted packs for a little extra challenge, and if the vibes were right, we would look for a quiet place to settle in and expand our minds. The weighted packs were quick to remind us how out of shape we were.

Halfway up the trail there was still snow covering the trail. We slipped and high-stepped our way to the top where there was a large clear cut and a great view of the surrounding hills. I was getting anxious to string up my hammock and take a break, but the cold wind was not forgiving.

We trekked about a half mile back down into the tree cover. We found a nice, secluded area in the trees that was out of the wind, and relatively “dry” compared to everything else.

The hammock was up within a couple minutes along with my makeshift poncho/rain fly (Thanks for the recommendation, Brandon!). We made quick work of getting a fire started and got settled.

This was my first experience with DMT. After hearing about it in numerous videos and interviews; Reading about people’s reflection afterwards and how it helped them, I was very curious.

Brandon went first, more or less to say “see, it’s not so bad”. Within seconds he was laid back and giggling. Mere minutes later he’s back sitting up and completely coherent.

I was next, and I didn’t hesitate to dive right in. As a rule I don’t smoke anything, and haven’t really made any attempt since high school, and it showed. I don’t know if it was just my weak lungs, or the fact that I hadn’t really prepared and set any intention for this experience, but I got almost nothing from this first attempt other than a slight feeling of euphoria. I decided to take some time to clear my head while my son tried his first attempt. Just like Brandon, he was in and back out in minutes.

 

It was my turn again. I worked on clearing my mind of all distractions and made sure I was lying comfortably. With my lackluster ability to take a full drag and hold it, I decided to take more, smaller hits. I just kept puffing away until I was almost too disoriented for another. That’s when my cousin Brandon stepped in and held the vape pen for me and I got one more pull before my mind had felt too far separated from my physical body to continue. The only way I can describe the immediate feeling is as if there is a simultaneous pressure and vacuum that transports your conscience somewhere outside of yourself.

The warm euphoric feeling that followed and the intense kaleidoscope of colors was something that is very difficult to describe as well. Once I was able to move beyond the kaleidoscope, I entered what felt like a womb. As I attempted to study what surrounded me, my eyes caught what looked like two little pinholes of light. Almost like stars. When I focused on them, they drew near me and began moving on their own and I realized they were eyes. Suddenly a silhouette of a woman materialized around these eyes. They were almost reptile like, and I could not make out any other details. It was then that this woman entity communicated with me. She told me that she was my true mother, and that I am loved, but I am not ready.

Ready for what?

As I began to drift out of my trip, she danced for me. I could faintly hear the sound of rain drops falling on the cover above me. As each drop hit with a “tap” it bled into my vision as another set of eyes in the distance, which became what seemed like hundreds of eyes looking at me.

And then I opened my eyes.

 

The walk back down the trail was pretty quiet. I was lost in thought and a little dumbfounded at what I had experienced. It had every characteristic of a dream, except that I was fully conscious the entire time. I had no concept of the time that had passed and could not recall even feeling my physical body. The visions were not physical like a photo or a video, it’s a very intuitive experience that requires an open mind and the ability to just let go and allow it to happen. Do not push out the thoughts or feelings that arrive, I feel like it’s something you are being shown that is separate from yourself.

But I was left with more questions than answers. We’ll see what the next trip has to offer.