Just Look Up

 July 5

It was a quiet morning. I had the house to myself. I haven’t been meditating much lately so I was taking advantage of the moment while I had no distractions. I was having a difficult time clearing my head and feeling settled. Thoughts of my previous DMT experience were still gnawing at me. The emotions I felt afterward had all but passed, but I still felt unsettled and have been wanting to ‘visit’ again to get some sort of closure.

After about 15 minutes of half-assed meditation due to my brain not shutting off, I decided to go for it. The only thing I had in my stomach at that point was a cup of coffee from a couple hours ago, and I was paying for it. As soon as the sensation had started to set in, my stomach was in a knot, and I thought I might puke. At this point the visuals had already begun, and there were multiple faces looking at me wondering what poison was making me feel sick. (In hindsight it could have had some relation to an issue in my solar plexus chakra which was pointed out to me during a Reiki session I had that afternoon. Reiki is a new experience for me and I’m just experimenting with it to see how I could benefit from it, but it has been helping me determine how to focus on my journeys and my meditation.)

The next image I was faced with was a woman in a long robe. She was standing at some sort of machine that she was operating, and a bit surprised to see me there. I was directed to observe a man digging in a tunnel. What I was seeing was like a cross section of the earth- like an ant farm. The man, whom I was told was me, looked like he had been endlessly digging. He was muddy and tired. The woman in the robe appeared and said he was wasting his time. “Just look up” she kept saying repeatedly.

I made a conscious effort to steer this digging-man upward. He began tunneling towards the surface. Still seeing a cross section of the earth, I could see him nearing a beautiful green sun filled pasture. As he broke through to the surface, he became a tree that grew large and strong, and brought shade to the hot grass.

That’s when the vision began to fade away. I begged them not to let me leave too soon. I asked them to tell me more, as I did not want anymore riddles. The image I was presented with was an oval, the shape of an open eye. But instead of an eyeball, it was a transparent human body that was surrounded by a glowing light that was pure white in the center and radiated out all colors of the rainbow. The eyelids started to close as a reminder my experience was ending. The entities I had met were inside this body, which was inside the eye. They told me “Everything is within you. Don’t forget to look up”.

Everything is within you. Don’t forget to look up.

I thought I asked for no more riddles. There are so many ways to interpret this, I don’t really know where to start. The digging man growing into a tree I feel like is symbolic of my search for purpose. Maybe I’m so distracted by the search itself I might miss my opportunity to grow. Becoming a big strong tree and shading the meadow from the hot sun I think is myself setting down roots and offering shelter for my loved ones. Maybe everything I need for this next phase in life is already within me, I just need to trust and believe in myself.

Just look up? I’m not sure about that one yet. I don’t know if this is supposed to be a metaphor. Maybe I need to just pause for a moment. Look up from my work and just appreciate.

Self Meet Anger, Anger Meet Self

 Summer Solstice. It was a very light spring rain, but still warm and humid. The new spring growth was so green it was almost neon. I love the smell of the spring air and wet soil.

 We hiked a trail to an old gold mine and settled on the mill site down by the creek. The trees at the water’s edge were just the right distance apart to hold the hammock. We both took our shoes off and ‘grounded’ while we set things up. Whether or not you believe in grounding, you should look it up and try it – At a minimum it feels refreshing, and that’s enough. I quickly strung up the hammock and settled in. My cousin opted for the dirt and leaned up against a tree.

Occasionally I will listen to frequency music to help eliminate distractions which helps me separate from my physical self and surroundings; I will do this for meditation also. But the only ambient noise was the creek, some rain drops, and the occasional bird chirping. Couldn’t get a better soundtrack.

I relaxed in the hammock and made some last-minute mental preparations, then lift-off.

There was no kaleidoscope this time. Immediately I saw a flash of a very traditional looking image of Golden Tara (Sitting upright on her lotus just like you see in the Buddhist paintings). Then flashed the image of an elephant head. The visuals morphed into a mother figure holding me. She was loving and kissing me, just as you expect a mother would to her child. As I lied there looking up at my ‘mother’, I could see several pairs of hands reaching down to touch me. I got the sense, like before, that these were my ancestors. It felt like they were all there to help share positive energy with me. The entire room was fluctuating all the colors of the rainbow, except for a small area in the distance. It was dark. A pair of red eyes appeared. They did not move closer, but cautiously stayed back. My first thought was that it was the embodiment of my anger, and the entities around me confirmed it. Their posture changed like they were protecting me and did not want me to look at it. He looked wild with crazy hair, except he was solid black and the only features I could make out were his eyes and his silhouette. I faded back to reality and felt really good about that experience, but I couldn’t get the image of my anger out of my head.

My cousin took her turn. This was her first experience with DMT so initially she started with just one hit to feel it out. The unwritten rule is 3 hits (or 1 more when you think you’ve had enough). But we weren’t trying to melt brains, just a positive introduction.

 I decided to go a second time, but I might have had foolish intentions. I’ve been working through some deep-seated anger for a while, and now that I know what he looked like I know who to look for. Maybe I watched too many action movies as a kid, but my plan was to go back in and fight my anger.

After a couple hits on the pen, I could feel an enormous weight pressing down on me. I had no choice but to lay back. Normally I would have been conscious enough for more hits, but this was pulling me back harder than usual, so I relented and set the pen down. I closed my eyes, and my first sense was that I was in a room, but I couldn’t see anything. It looked like there was a veil in front of my eyes. There was a man and a woman tending to me as if I was their patient. The man reminded me of Snake Man from a previous experience, but I’m not sure if he was the same entity. They were both very caring and seemed concerned. They were repeatedly saying they don’t understand why I’m doing this to myself, and that I don’t have to carry this weight. I realized immediately that my intention when going in was the wrong approach.

 Attempting to collect myself and reflect afterwards, I was full of conflicting feelings and emotions. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the anger ‘monster’ was me, or at least part of me.  If I’m fighting him, then I’m fighting myself and you can’t fight anger with anger. I hope I didn’t abuse this gift of access into this ‘world’ with my intentions. I’m anxious to go back in after some soul searching and just see where I stand with these entities and what my next lesson is.

Thinking more about my approach to anger, I wish I could go back and visit my younger self. I want to find myself at these significant moments in my life that planted the seeds of anger and offer my younger self some guidance and love.