Snake Man

 May 7.

My cousin and I had set out for another wet hike. Our target was a trail to an old gold mine and log cabin. Unfortunately, our plans had to change when what we saw parked at the trailhead was a sketchy looking couple of tweakers in a junky truck. They didn’t look like the friendly ‘hike in the rain’ type, so rather than risk our vehicles being broken into we changed course. We were able to locate another service road that would lead into the general direction of the gold mine, but we weren’t sure if it would connect. Regardless, I’m always in the mood for exploring new areas. We parked at the gate and started our walk in.

The entire walk up to the top of the ridge was talk of a job I had recently applied for that was causing me a bit of stress, and how both of our childhoods lacking mentors and role models we have come to realize is now our position to fill. If I were to accept this job, I would have to move and start all over again and probably drive a wedge within my immediate family. But the job was REALLY good. So, I was conflicted. Memories of our (short) move to Texas and back still haunt us, which I won’t get into. If you ask me about it sometime, just get the beers lined up and get ready for a story.

We found the top of the ridge and spent a few minutes admiring somebody’s weather station before heading back down. We had hiked almost all the way back down before the brush had opened up enough to find a little spot by the creek to hang out. The clouds had started to part, and we were getting some sun rays piercing the trees. Anyone who spends time outside in the pacific northwest (northwet) knows that thankful feeling when the rain pauses long enough to remember what the sun looks like and it glistens off everything that had just been soaked.

The hammock was up in minutes, as well as the new rain fly. We had an under quilt in the hammock this time, I find that the minutes after a DMT trip leaves me feeling chilly and shivering. Maybe it’s just that the weather here can suck, but we were prepared none the less.

The intention that I set before my trip was that I wanted some clarity on this crossroads in front of me. Whether or not to take the job and move, or to stick it out where I don’t feel there are many job prospects, but my family stays together. If I had to use one word to describe this trip, it would be ominous. As soon as the trip began, it was a kaleidoscope of puzzle pieces that became a dark room. All along the walls were hundreds of snake eyes observing me. A huge cobra with full hood on display appeared right above me. Mouth open as if ready to eat me. I thought “fine, go ahead and eat me”. At that moment I felt the presence of ‘Golden Tara’. Here she is again, always there to greet me somehow. She put her hand on my back as if to reassure me. Her message was “Don’t worry, everything will fine. But you will still be eaten.”

Then I woke up. I spent some time reflecting on what I experienced. I did not feel good about it, so I waited for my cousin to have his experience before I went for another session.

My second trip came on fast. Immediately I had an image of a fat lady in a ballerina tutu. With her crazy eyes staring down at me and big smile, she was sitting on my face. I couldn’t help but start to laugh. The more I laughed, the faster she slammed up and down on my face. It was disturbing, but hilarious. It took all of my concentration to keep from laughing so I could remind this fat ballerina that I was here for a reason.  As fast as I was able regain my composure, she was finished and very offended. The color and kaleidoscope designs faded away to a completely white surrounding. A small cabin in a Japanese garden appeared. There was a very wise looking older bearded man waiting for me. He did not say or communicate anything to me. This felt like an arranged meeting. In an instant he transformed into the giant cobra from my previous trip. All of the white had turned fiery orange and yellow. Again, appears the ‘Golden Tara’. She leans in towards the snake to whisper something into his ear. I felt as if she was telling him everything about me, as if he now knew all of my secrets. The cobra’s eyes stared back at mine. He then transformed back into the old wise man. He informed me that the form he takes is up to me. Either I get the snake, or I get the nice old wise man- but it was up to me. I was quickly shown both forms again, and it repeated very fast like a slide show as I faded out of my trip. 

I don’t even know what to say about the fat ballerina, but when I came out of my trip I was laughing so hard I had tears running down my face.

A couple weeks later as I write this, I’m still trying to interpret the rest of this trip. The snakes, the old man, and the lady that keeps appearing. The entire theme of snakes wanting to eat me and observe me as if I’m a ritual sacrifice. It left me wondering if I’m the snake, and my misguided ambitions are causing me to devour myself with stress. And maybe I’m supposed to be the old man (referring to my conversation earlier about accepting my role as a mentor for younger generations of my family). Maybe all the snake eyes observing me represent my feelings of being the main provider of my household, and every decision I make I feel like ‘all eyes are on me’.

Right after my trip, I had decided not to accept the new job and I was hit with a giant wave of relief.

With ‘Golden Tara’ being a reoccurring encounter in my trips, I was curious if in Buddhism there were any significance to snakes. As I found out, there is a deity named Naga. He can take the form of either a human or a cobra. Naga is believed to be very wise and beneficial to humans, but also potentially dangerous. In Buddhist lore, the Naga king took the form of a cobra to shelter Buddha from rain during a flood. Snakes in many cultures represent mortality and rebirth. Remembering my first trip, I can draw a parallel with rebirth being that I felt I was in a womb when I was introduced to my “true mother” (Golden Tara).

Definitely a lot to interpret and think about.

Passing Thoughts. Trying To Make Sense Of It All

Since my first trip, I have felt compelled to talk to everyone about DMT. That is what led me to start this blog; I’m not the self-important travel blogger type that has to stage selfies everywhere, I’m usually the quiet person in the room. But now all I want to do is talk to people about it. At times I feel as if I can pinpoint a certain person and think “that person needs DMT”. I believe that all people have the potential to benefit from the DMT experience, but not all people will be capable of understanding or appreciating it. Most often, a good canidate in my opinion, is a person who has delt with past trauma or is currently experiencing some challenges in life, but most importantly someone that is receptive to the mind opening experience. It’s because of the refreshing clarity I have felt, but also all those old, bad emotions that have been hidden away. These things that have caused me to quietly and subconsciously setup traps and barriers for myself. These things resurface in a way that allows me to gain a new perspective without having to relive them again, and now I can separate them and take the good from the bad. But I'm still human like everyone else and therefore need to keep working on just being better and not repeating past mistakes. 

IF you would entertain the thought that maybe the DMT realm or the things you meet are “real”, maybe they are looking to connect with us.  I feel like once someone gets a taste of the clarity that comes after, or the spiritual shakeup, they can focus more on what is important to them and set aside all the distractions. Maybe these characters you meet are like spirit guides, and they have been waiting for a chance to communicate in a way to help you. Maybe we’re supposed to share this and combine or raise positive energies so to speak and lift each other up.

On the other hand, it could all just be some images your subconscious has created in order to make sense of the thoughts and feelings that surfaced during a trip. For the new user, it can’t be described very easily, the visions and experiences are not like a cartoon or movie that plays for you. While there are “visuals”, it’s a very psychological experience. Almost dreamlike, but it’s an extremely lucid feeling. It can’t be explained in physical terms to the person who hasn’t yet felt it- Only the person who has tried DMT can understand; there’s a lot unspoken that simply can’t be described to the non-user.

It’s really easy to fall for the “magic” of DMT, I think we want it to be something bigger than ourselves. Something divine possibly. I really try to just draw on the lessons I can receive, and maybe just leave the rest for entertainment. Although that doesn’t account for something like learning of Buddhist deities that I had never heard of before. This brings me back to some of my original thoughts on the DMT experience:

“Is it my own subconscious that is wiser than my outward self? Is there an intelligent energy in our world that people have forgotten how to have a relationship with? I don’t know. What I do know is it requires an open, willing, and flexible mind, and a willingness to accept what you are presented with without pulling away, but instead have the curiosity to keep asking and looking further into the trip.”

 I’ll take my own advice and just be willing to accept what I feel and try to learn from it. I have grown to have an enormous amount of respect for what DMT is capable of. I find myself without the urge to do it more after having a positive trip, almost as if I want to savor that experience and not take these favors for granted. In fact, you don’t know what the next trip will be, that’s part of the intrigue. Maybe if you have done enough, it will let you know in some way. If you need more, if there are more lessons to be learned,     it will call to you.

Love Yourself

 April 5.

It was several years ago that my sister had introduced me to the idea of DMT (ayahuasca). I had never heard of it before, and she told me she thought it would be good therapy. We grew up together and had similar baggage so to speak. I made a half-assed effort to do some research on the internet, and I was still interested. Ever since then it has been a very loud blip on my radar.

Fast forward to the present day. I’m on my way to visit my sister and see her new apartment. Being somewhat fresh off my first experience and still full of questions and self-reflection, I was excited to share my experience with her.

Setting is important. In hindsight, my sister’s completely empty apartment was far from the perfect setting, but I love my sister and I know she loves me, maybe that was enough.

After a brief coaching session on what to expect and how long it lasts, I went in first just to show her it was safe. This experience was not very deep or complex but was not lacking its wonderful colors and warm feeling of love. Overall positive trip, and in minutes I was awake with a smile.

I watched as my sister started in. I remember seeing her lay back and felt happy for her that she was able to experience this. I was still a little euphoric after being showered with love, I just assumed her experience would be similar.

The irony is that she had the opposite experience. Apparently while I was sitting there all grins and congratulating myself for helping her with her first experience, she was in the middle of a near death experience.

No, she wasn’t really dying. But I hear it’s a fairly common experience to be faced with your own mortality. Even though it was frightening, she still came away feeling refreshed, and her first reaction was that maybe she has control issues.

After reflecting on both trips for some time I decided to go for another session. I remember going in I felt bad that my sister’s experience was somewhat negative. Once the euphoric rush had settled and I was seeing a bright golden white design that I couldn’t quite focus on. I realized I was focusing too hard, so I backed away as to allow the full picture to come into view (I did not back away in the physical sense, it was a thought and a reaction within the image I was seeing).

When everything came into focus, I saw what looked like (in my own words) a “golden buddha lady sitting cross legged”. Pardon my ignorance, I knew nothing of Buddhism before this experience, I’m just describing what I saw. The lady called me to follow her; she told me she was my true mother (the same mother from my first trip). I knew my trip would not last much longer, and she seemed to sense my thoughts and repeatedly urged me to follow her anyway. I was showered with an intense feeling of unconditional love, and her image faded away. She was replaced with some spiraling designs of golden light and a face that resembled my sister’s face. At that moment I thought that I couldn’t believe my sister was afraid of this. And as fast as I had completed my thought, the single face of my sister became millions of faces that were all laughing. They were laughing at her.

 

The following couple of weeks I was lost in thought and reflection about this experience. I had so much information to sort out. The main theme I felt was love. I felt so much love in a matter of minutes- Love for myself, love for my sister, and love for everyone else that was part of my life. It was a stark contrast to my mostly neglectful upbringing that I realized I had spent most of my life making decisions based on fear and anger, and that I have hated myself. I felt that my disregard for myself has hurt my ability to show my love for others. Moving forward I have to learn to love myself and try to make decisions based on love instead of fear or anger.

Sharing my experience with my cousin, he had pointed out the significance of the colors and Buddhist imagery. I decided to do a little research and found that a deity exists in Buddhism named Golden Tara.

Golden Tara is the life-giving female Buddha and is typically shown in radiant golden light. She fulfills your life energy and purpose. I encourage anyone to look her up.

My mind is blown. The exact parallels in my experiences with this Buddhist deity motivated me to seek advice from someone that I knew was more knowledgeable in this area in hopes to save me some time on the internet, and just seek out a sharing of knowledge and positive energy with a real person.

I haven’t converted to Buddhism, and I am not looking for religion. But I have started meditating, and I really like how it makes me feel. My wife and kids have noticed a positive change, that’s all the religion I need.

Handshake

 

March 12.

I had arranged to meet my son, 23 years of age, and my cousin for a hike in some local foothills for some exercise. It’s an area I have hiked and scouted in the past but neither my son nor my cousin had been there before. Psychedelics or not, it’s still valuable time spent in nature with good company getting exercise, so it’s not a waste.

Six miles round trip and about 2000ft gain. We planned to bring weighted packs for a little extra challenge, and if the vibes were right, we would look for a quiet place to settle in and expand our minds. The weighted packs were quick to remind us how out of shape we were.

Halfway up the trail there was still snow covering the trail. We slipped and high-stepped our way to the top where there was a large clear cut and a great view of the surrounding hills. I was getting anxious to string up my hammock and take a break, but the cold wind was not forgiving.

We trekked about a half mile back down into the tree cover. We found a nice, secluded area in the trees that was out of the wind, and relatively “dry” compared to everything else.

The hammock was up within a couple minutes along with my makeshift poncho/rain fly (Thanks for the recommendation, Brandon!). We made quick work of getting a fire started and got settled.

This was my first experience with DMT. After hearing about it in numerous videos and interviews; Reading about people’s reflection afterwards and how it helped them, I was very curious.

Brandon went first, more or less to say “see, it’s not so bad”. Within seconds he was laid back and giggling. Mere minutes later he’s back sitting up and completely coherent.

I was next, and I didn’t hesitate to dive right in. As a rule I don’t smoke anything, and haven’t really made any attempt since high school, and it showed. I don’t know if it was just my weak lungs, or the fact that I hadn’t really prepared and set any intention for this experience, but I got almost nothing from this first attempt other than a slight feeling of euphoria. I decided to take some time to clear my head while my son tried his first attempt. Just like Brandon, he was in and back out in minutes.

 

It was my turn again. I worked on clearing my mind of all distractions and made sure I was lying comfortably. With my lackluster ability to take a full drag and hold it, I decided to take more, smaller hits. I just kept puffing away until I was almost too disoriented for another. That’s when my cousin Brandon stepped in and held the vape pen for me and I got one more pull before my mind had felt too far separated from my physical body to continue. The only way I can describe the immediate feeling is as if there is a simultaneous pressure and vacuum that transports your conscience somewhere outside of yourself.

The warm euphoric feeling that followed and the intense kaleidoscope of colors was something that is very difficult to describe as well. Once I was able to move beyond the kaleidoscope, I entered what felt like a womb. As I attempted to study what surrounded me, my eyes caught what looked like two little pinholes of light. Almost like stars. When I focused on them, they drew near me and began moving on their own and I realized they were eyes. Suddenly a silhouette of a woman materialized around these eyes. They were almost reptile like, and I could not make out any other details. It was then that this woman entity communicated with me. She told me that she was my true mother, and that I am loved, but I am not ready.

Ready for what?

As I began to drift out of my trip, she danced for me. I could faintly hear the sound of rain drops falling on the cover above me. As each drop hit with a “tap” it bled into my vision as another set of eyes in the distance, which became what seemed like hundreds of eyes looking at me.

And then I opened my eyes.

 

The walk back down the trail was pretty quiet. I was lost in thought and a little dumbfounded at what I had experienced. It had every characteristic of a dream, except that I was fully conscious the entire time. I had no concept of the time that had passed and could not recall even feeling my physical body. The visions were not physical like a photo or a video, it’s a very intuitive experience that requires an open mind and the ability to just let go and allow it to happen. Do not push out the thoughts or feelings that arrive, I feel like it’s something you are being shown that is separate from yourself.

But I was left with more questions than answers. We’ll see what the next trip has to offer.